im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
