my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up under a house in Key West
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