i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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