I wish my penis had an off switch
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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