Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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