new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
