...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
