dude i'm inner monologue high
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
