i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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