you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
