I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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