i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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