Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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