I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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