I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize