So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
