I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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