We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
