Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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