when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
