I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
