Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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