Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
