i think my tv is drunk
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he quoted the bible to break up with me
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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