Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize