you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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