You can't special order awesome
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
