you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
