Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
