Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
everyone is single if you try hard enough
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
