Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize