So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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