can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
