i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize