Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
