i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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