god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize