i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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