What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize