I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
