I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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