His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
