The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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