I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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