Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
