he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize