When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
