I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
