Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
