It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
