Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
