The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
