Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I lost the right to judge tonight
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
