i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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