my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
