If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
