Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
