You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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