From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
