Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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