Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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