i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just high enough for therapy.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize