Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
