I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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