I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
