I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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