How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
