it wasn't lemon gatorade
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
