rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
