Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
